Most people agree that death and taxes are certain, but something else can be added to life’s short list of sure things. When people are involved, conflict is inevitable. If conflict is to be a certainty, and such a natural part of life, then imagine how important it is to be equipped with the communication skills that will allow conflict to be resolved effectively.
Case Study
Fifteen years pass and a father and son do not speak to each other. During this period of time, twin grandchildren grow up not having a relationship with their grandfather and unable to benefit from the wisdom and experience he has gained throughout his lifetime. It was Christmas 1995 when the twins last saw their grandfather. They are now eighteen years old and about to graduate from high school. The conflict had nothing to do with the children, but they have been impacted. This period of silence was triggered by an apparent misunderstanding in a business relationship between their father and grandfather years earlier. Just a few short months ago, their grandfather’s mother passed away. The twins’ father, not having spoken to his own father in fifteen years, attended his grandmother’s funeral. This gesture opened an opportunity for reconciliation between the father and son, but the damaged relationship will take much time to repair. Now that the twins are approaching adulthood and the next chapter of their own lives, they wonder whether or not to send an announcement regarding high school graduation to their estranged grandfather.
Conflict occurs naturally and the good news is that it can produce positive results depending on the involved parties’ orientation toward conflict and effective use of communication to resolve it. This paper will detail a personal example of conflict, the triggering events and possible reasons it has continued for so long, as well as offer a best practices approach to resolving the conflict through effective communication.
Why Does Conflict Occur?
Conflict can be simply described as a disagreement between parties that occurs when they expect different goals or different methods to achieve goals. Researchers may offer various theories on the reasons for conflict, but do seem to agree that conflict is inevitable. Research by Maisese (2003) reveals that conflict is the result of cultural, political and generational differences. Abigail and Cahn (2011) describe conflict as normal and that it is important to understand “the likelihood of conflict increases as our relationships become more personal or interdependent on each other.”
The father and son described in this personal example of conflict worked together for several years in a small business that had been started by the father. The business was the first of its kind in Georgia and was so successful that the father sold it after only ten years of operation. When the business was sold, the father signed a customary two year non-compete agreement and the son continued to work in the business under the new management. Customers quickly realized a significant change in the level of personalized service to which they had grown accustomed and began canceling their service agreements. As a result, the father encouraged his son to start up his own business, offering customers the same level of previous service. The son took his father’s advice and quickly established a thriving business of his own. As the term of the father’s non-compete agreement drew to a close, the son suspected his father was ready to return to work. He offered his father what he considered the best of both worlds – a position in sales, working as many or few hours as he wished, but without the stress and aggravation that he had felt as the sole proprietor. This is when the conflict began. Rather than being elated by the opportunity to work again with his son, the father seemed offended and suggested that he would start a business from scratch, in direct competition, and attempt to put his son out of business.
Positive and Negative Effects of Conflict
Conflict can have successful results when both parties work together. Realizing that a positive solution can be found reinforces the fact that conflict does not have to be faced with dread. Successfully managing conflict requires understanding both sides and what led to the conflict. Abigail and Cahn (2011) provide examples of both positive and negative responses to conflict communication. Directing and avoiding are examples of conflict styles which represent a linear model of communication. In a linear model of communication, one party in the conflict either attempts to direct or avoid the other party as the approach to dealing with the conflict. These are self-oriented and destructive styles of conflict communication as they are certain to leave at least one person involved in the conflict dissatisfied (Mukhtar & Habib, 2010). One party is so heavily influenced by his own agenda as the most important factor in the conflict that he tries to impose his agenda on the other party and attempt to convince the other person to see things his way, or he chooses to punish the other party by ignoring him and treating him as though he is unimportant.
In this case study, both the son and father chose to avoid each other after the conflict that occurred when the son offered his father the opportunity to come back to work with him. Both treated the other with an attitude of indifference and communication ceased completely. It seems that neither party was concerned enough about the relationship to seek a resolution. Instead, they took a competitive stance which is very unfortunate because it has led to years of indifference and isolation between the two men.
A better approach to this conflict would be the use of the transactional model of communication which offers a positive approach to conflict resolution (Abigail & Cahn, 2011). Collaboration and compromise are excellent examples of the communication styles that can lead to a productive, positive outcome for both parties involved in a conflict situation. Teamwork demonstrates collaboration while agreeing to give a little and receive a little shows willingness to compromise. These conflict styles represent something done with others, and are relationship-oriented. Rather than reacting with defensiveness and indifference, the conflict and years of bitterness could have been averted if either father or son would have considered the importance of the relationship the priority. Instead of choosing the linear model’s negative approach (avoidance), the transaction model’s approach and working together to resolve the conflict facilitate a win-win situation so that both men involved in the conflict would be appeased. In particular, using collaboration to determine mutually beneficial goals that could have been satisfied by both men would have been the best approach to resolve this conflict, timely and effectively.
Personalities and Conflict Management
Just as important as it is to understand why conflict occurs, it is important to understand that responses to conflict are typically linked to personality types and a process to better manage it can be learned (Mukhtar & Habib, 2010). For example, an accommodator who does not like to make waves may agree with another person in order to prevent a situation from escalating into conflict. He may also choose to ignore that there is a conflict. Abigail and Cahn (2011) describe the accommodator’s behavior as non-assertive. It is other-centered and places value on the other person winning. Characteristics of another personality type, the competitor, can be described as aggressive and linear. The competitor is motivated by his own self-centered interest and forces his declared victory over the other party.
In this case study, competitive personality types are certainly a factor in the conflict. The father’s reaction to his son’s work proposition was competitive and self-centered. His communication response, “Why would I work for you when I can easily start up again myself and put you out of business?” was aggressive and meant to intimidate his son. The son’s reaction was to attack, withdraw and avoid. His passive-aggressive approach led to eventual indifference and further avoidance. The reaction of both men at the time of the incident was destructive and led to deterioration of the relationship. Neither personality type reacted with a constructive approach. Both men lacked the communication skills to lead the conflict to a positive outcome. It is an unfortunate situation that can be described as lose-lose.
A relationship-centered approach is the best way to manage conflict and is the result of using assertive communication to produce positive results. The ability to react to a conflict, take action and find a positive resolution leads to the best outcome for both parties involved. The personality characteristics of a collaborator lend itself to the most effective means to manage conflict. The collaborator’s behavior will be motivated to find a goal that mutually benefits both parties which will yield a win-win outcome. The collaborator’s approach to resolve conflict would have led to a discussion and timely conflict resolution between the father and son, and a possibility that their relationship may have been strengthened as a result.
Communication Techniques
Effectively using communication to manage conflict requires strong interpersonal relationship skills. An article by Fisher (2000) emphasizes being a good listener and empathizing with the other party to see his point of view is critical. The ability to react to the conflict, take action and find a positive resolution leads to the best outcome for both parties involved. Applying the communication strategy described by Abigail and Cahn (2011) as the S-TLC System is a common sense approach to resolving conflict. The steps involved in this communication system are stop, think, listen and communicate. In a conflict situation, it is critical for a participant to stop and control himself before becoming too upset and losing the ability to control his feelings. The next step is to think about the goals of the other party that led to the conflict. Consider the options and how the other person is likely to react when concerns or frustrations are communicated. Voicing concerns is done best when the goals of both parties are taken into consideration. The most difficult step may be to listen. Actually hearing what is being said by the other party and making every effort to understand his position and motivations is important. Using positive body language, giving value to what is said by the other person and showing respect are critical steps in being a good listener. Finally, the participant in the conflict communicates using personalized statements to express feelings, problematic behavior, consequences and goals. In this step, it is critical to use assertive communication and assume complete ownership of the words being used.
It is worth reiterating that collaboration is the preferred method of conflict resolution and uses relationship-oriented, assertive communication. In the personal case scenario described, it is possible that the escalation of this conflict which led to avoidance and isolation by the father and son could have been avoided if either of the men understood and used the S-TLC System. Instead, they both lost their ability to control their feelings and think about the reaction to the situation.
Forgiveness
Letting go of hurtful feelings and the desire to retaliate indicate a time when forgiveness is possible. Abigail and Cahn (2011) suggest, “Most writers in the area of forgiveness have argued that holding onto grief and hurt is psychologically unhealthy. By placing blame on other people, we relinquish our control over our emotions and give that control to another.” In this sense, forgiveness can be considered a gift to the person doing the forgiving – a gift of health and well-being. True forgiveness is the action of one person and takes time if the feelings of anger and resentment toward another person are released. Forgiveness if the reaction of one person’s response toward another and is the first step toward reconciliation.
In this case study, forgiveness seemed to happen at the point in which the father’s mother passed away and the son chose to attend her funeral. So much time had lapsed since the original conflict between the men, it seems that the triggering events had long since been forgotten. Although complete reconciliation has not transpired, it does seem likely. Forgiveness was the first step in this process and complete reconciliation will require collaboration on the party of both men. Discussion between the men will reveal the goals of each and the steps required for both men to be satisfied with the outcome.
Conflict is inevitable and is usually the result when the goals of either party are not met. Reaction to conflict is often based on experience and personality helps to predict the behavior to conflict situations. While some personality types may find it easier to respond and manage conflict than others, each has the ability to learn to control responses in an effort to produce a positive resolution to conflict. Following a best practices approach to resolving conflict includes a relationship-centered style of communication and collaboration typically offers positive outcomes on a consistent basis.
The good news is that conflict can produce positive results. To understand how conflict may be applied effectively in daily interpersonal relationships, it is important to understand that conflict can be managed through effective communication but requires understanding the reasons for conflict, its positive and negative effects, the impact of personalities on conflict management, communication techniques and forgiveness.
References:
Abigail, A., & Cahn, D.. (2011). Managing conflict through communication (4th ed.). Boston: Pearson Education, Inc.
Fisher, R. (2000). Resolving interpersonal conflict. International Peace and Conflict Resolution, 1-4. Retrieved April 1, 2011 from http://www.aupeace.org
Maiese, M.. (2003). Establishment of Personal Relationships. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado. 1-7. Retrieved April 3, 2011 from http: //www.beyondintractability.org
Mathews, Fred. (1999). Girl's use of violence and aggression. Orbit, 29(4), 10-15. Retrieved April 4, 2011, ProQuest Database.
Mukhtar, S., & Habib, M.. (2010). Private sector managers approach to conflict management: a study of relationships between conflict management styles and personality type. Interdisciplinary Journal of Contemporary Research In Business, 2(1), 304-312. Retrieved April 4, 2011, from ProQuest Database.
Walton, M., Harris, A., & Davidson, A.. (2009). "It Makes Me a Man from the Beating I Took": gender and aggression in children's narratives about conflict. Sex Roles, 61(5-6), 383-398. Retrieved April 4, 2011, from ProQuest Database.
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